


Girl's life of despair

by Iamlovingthat4u



Category: Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Genre: Other, Slow Burn, Trans, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2020-06-24 20:04:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19730830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iamlovingthat4u/pseuds/Iamlovingthat4u
Summary: A nervous Chihiro struggles with her secrets. Mondo isn't helping





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> first time writing, I sure hope its at least readable. I have no idea where to put line breaks.

“I just think omelets are really great,” Hina said to no one in particular. She beamed as she sat down directly across from me. I smiled weakly back. There were seven of us still here but the rest of the twelve total would make an appearance later I assumed. 

“Nah,” Makoto crossed his arms “ pancakes” 

Sausage is the best and anyone who says otherwise is wrong!” Taka yelled. That was his name, right? He was getting pretty worked up about nothing. Again.

“Why aren’t you vegetarian like me.” Toko retorted. “Don’t you just find dead flesh gross?” The table went dead silent. The harrowing memory of Junko’s death still hung over our group. Most of our conversations had stayed surface level for the five days we’ve been here. Often due to any depth dredging our not-so-deeply repressed fear up. Maybe we just didn’t want to get to know each other so it would hurt less when they died. 

“What about you Chihiro, what’s the best breakfast food” Hina included me as if nothing had happened I picked at my eggs. “I guess I don't have much of an opinion...” I trailed off, ” It’s all just ok I guess.“ I wondered if this group would ever feel normal. Probably not after all we’ve been through. A few others jumped into the conversation and it resumed in full force. It seemed the group consensus would be pancakes.

I excused myself from the conversation that I was barely part of. I claimed I had to use the bathroom. It was an excuse to get myself out of the awkwardness but suddenly I really did have to go. I broke into something a little brisker than a walk and skidded to a stop in front of the two doors of the bathroom. I stared at the pink sign ahead of me. There’s no way I could go in there. I’d be invading their space not to mention breaking the rules. I shouldn’t fool myself into thinking I was a real girl.

I let out a sigh and turned towards the other door. Cautiously opened the door to the Men’s restroom and stepped inside. I glanced around and saw no one at the urinals. I allowed myself to breathe out. I checked myself in the mirror “ looking, cute today Chihiro!’ I thought to myself. I twisted to see if my clothes were all right, then twirled for good measure.

Suddenly a flush sounded from behind me. I panicked but instead of bolting for a stall my body stood frozen still. Six feet tall or more the young yakuza stepped out of the stall and to see me standing there right in front of him. He looked somewhat surprised to see me there. “Hey... you know the girl's bathroom is next door” his deep voice inquired.

“Ahh right, sorry! Wrong door!”I squeaked. I turned and fled, hoping that was enough of a reason. 

Once behind the corner of the next hallway, I took a moment to catch my breath. I wondered if I could go back when he’s done. I chewed on my finger deciding whether or not it was too risky to wait for him to finish or to try to find if any others might be empty.

I was too busy weighing the pros and cons to hear mondo’s loud steps come down the hall. My gaze sprung up, wow one foot of height difference felt like a lot. He towered over me and leaned in just close enough to be uncomfortable. “You sure you were just made a mistake?” he jeered.

“Ahm well I” I sputtered. I had an excuse for the earlier bit but now I had nothing. There was no good reason I'd be hanging around right outside the bathroom instead of using the girls' room. Oh, he already knows, then. It’s over. 

I felt far away until I was jolted back by a loud sound. The gangster laughed a boisterous bellow of a laugh. “Man, I was just fuckin with you, calm down! I just thought you were trying ta get a look at this” He gestured at himself. His thin shirt hung loose on him. It was transparent so I could see he was well built underneath. I laughed weakly. I only stared a moment before throwing my gaze back to the floor. 

"Hey," he spoke more softly this time. I didn’t look up. he got my attention by lifting my chin, forcing me to look at him. His hand was calloused and strong and making me feel absolutely fragile in comparison. My heart skipped a beat in fear, yeah that's what it was, fear.

“Look if one of the guys is bullying ya you tell me ok?" he said, "No real man hurts a woman, that’s what my brother always told me.” He strolled away with his hands in his pockets, none the wiser to the extreme emotions I was recovering from.


	2. Chapter 2

I groaned at Monokuma’s morning message, why doesn’t he have a snooze button? I forced myself up and out of bed. The room was supposed to be comfy but it was definitely impersonal. Not a poster on the wall, not a chair out of place. Everything was squared away with no personality, I had half a mind to mess it up just to give it more character.   
I opened my drawers to find the same sight as I had on the first day, the same outfit I showed up with duplicated over and over. I liked the look, so I wasn’t complaining much but it definitely was odd, like we’re cartoon characters or something. At least it made people easily recognizable. Doing my makeup in the mirror I tried not to pay much attention to my face. Eyeliner first then foundation, out then in. Once it was done I gave myself a good look, not before, I need to be empowered for the day not depressed. I smiled, “yea you’re cute,” I reaffirmed myself aloud, half doubting it. I said it anyways, something about positive messaging. I hoped they’d duplicate my makeup like they had with my clothes but somehow I doubted it. They might do that for a girl, but they don’t see me as one then. I took the orange bottles out of my pocket, I kept them, on me. My lifeblood right here in my hands. If not makeup then they certainly won’t replace these… Sighing, I shook out the pills into my hand, I swallowed one and left the other under my tongue . The heavy door opened with some effort into the hall that buzzed with silence. My steps to the dining hall echoed louder than I could be comfortable with.

There was no natural light in the whole facility, even the atrium that the windows of the dining hall looked out on, was lit with the same harsh light. I knew the building was a school but it felt so sterile, like an empty hospital.

I was surprised everyone continued to make these morning meetings. Routine is a hell of a drug.

I got a cup and filled it with water. Wasn’t planning on drinking any though. The less I drank the less I would have to venture to the bathroom during the day. The less often I’m in the bathroom the less the possibility that I’m discovered. They see me as a girl for now but I could ruin that with any little mistake. Any voice crack or any break could out me and mean the end of any friendships. 

I grabbed my food, waffles this morning, and sat down at the edge of the long table. I don't want to sit in the middle and bother anyone. Hina sat down across from me and gave me a big smile. I wasn’t expecting it to but it made me feel a little better.

“Any updates on escape?” Kirigiri asked the table. She had done this every morning. Another part of the routine. Anything resembling normalcy was comfortable at this point. Hina started, eager as ever and they went around the table saying any updates they had or possible theories. I hadn’t yet gotten all the names down yet but I tried to commit to memory anything I heard. I didn’t answer when it passed to me but Taka pulled the heat off me with his over-talkativeness. “Anyone find any way to contact the outside either?”Kirigiri asked again with the air of an impatient schoolteacher. Nothing I could say would help, besides why would they care about anything I’d been up to. The room was silent. They must’ve thought the same.

.“We don’t fuckin know ok?” A husky voice spoke, shattering the silence to pieces “If I’d seen some shit I’d tell all of ya, ok?” All eyes turned to the end of the table. It was the boy from earlier. Or rather the man from earlier, though he was must have been seventeen like me, what with being the same year in school, he looked like he could pass as late twenties. Hell, maybe older. He had a battle-hardened look about him, though he held himself completely relaxed. I thought he seemed like the type I could feel comfortable around, like he’d protect me. Until he spoke again, that is.

“Computer girl here still hasn’t said shit” the table turned to me and I immediately lost the ability to say anything. ”Well, ya hidin’ anything?!”he taunted.

“ I-i wasn’t” I played with my fingers and stared down “I couldn't get onto the internet.Sorry but there was just some default software and no signal. I, uh don’t, don’t know how to build a router either. Sorry...” they hated me now for sure.   
“Aww well that’s too bad.” hina consoled, “ but hey, you did your best and that's what counts!”  
I gave her another weak smile. I didn’t deserve someone with this much positive energy. None of us did. Hell if I know how she keeps it up.

The table resumed its normal quiet atmosphere. Hina always talked with sakura so it wasn’t completely dead, but it sure was close. Lately there have been more conversations going on though, others getting comfortable with each other. I ate in silence, self consciousness faded to absent minded people watching. 

Before long everyone had left. I was still finishing up, I always was a slow eater. But just as hifumi picked up and left another person sat down. It was him again. He carried what I assumed would be his second plate with a whole hamburger on it. It was almost appalling to see someone eat that much. Everything about the gangster was intimidating. “Burgers for breakfast?” I asked not really knowing why I was starting a conversation with him.

“look American food is good as shit alright?” He said mid bite, “And what kinda coward lets other people tell them what kind of crap they can eat for breakfast. I'll eat burgers for breakfast and eggs for dinner if I fucken please!”   
I giggled despite myself.   
I stopped when I realized he was looking at me. He must think I’m laughing at him. he’s a gang member and they’re always violent. Oh and he already knows my secret. I was shaking as I folded my hands and avoided eye contact.

“Don’t let them control ya, girl!” he shouted.  
I looked up against my best judgement. But i didn’t see anger in his eyes, I saw a smile.   
“Huh?” I squeaked.

“You always get fried noodles for dinner right?” he asked, still somewhat loudly. I was surprised he remembered, surprised he noticed in the first place. Honestly I didn't even realize myself, was it really every night? I guess I sought out my comfort food unconsciously.

I nodded in response. I still wasn’t sure where he was going with this.

“ then get on up and fucken get some!” He encouraged. He was practically shouting now. Actually he was shouting. Oh no he was standing up.

He grabbed my arm and dragged me into the kitchen. I was sure he could snap me clean in half if he so chose. He opened and slammed cupboards, not quite frantic, but definitely not the average person's level of energy. 

“Ahm, I’m actually full if that’s ok” I spoke into the ground “sorry, thanks though,” 

“Oh!” he stopped that instant and put his hands up. “Not everyone is as ravenous as me” he rubbed the back of his head. We stood there a moment, just hovering. I should’ve felt more awkward, I kept having to remind myself to be on guard around him. Something about his unapologetic nature lulled me into what I was sure was false comfort. He made to leave, but stopped. “What was your name by the way?” he asked, “I’m Mondo, don’t worry ‘bout surnames or titles for me“

“Then I’m Chihiro,” I confessed. He extended his fist. I bumped it softly. I found myself smiling up at him, on reflex mostly, but his smirk in response kept me smiling all the way back to my room.


	3. Chapter 3

I finally found a good spot! It was the bathroom off the men’s locker room. I stood there a moment taking in the odd silence of the room. Fleeing to bathrooms when anxious used to help me cope but since my transition, they haven't felt so safe. But this time, It was perfectly empty, making me feel a lot better. I stepped into one of the stalls and wondered idly if I would become nocturnal just to avoid people. Just work on alter ego at night and sleep during the day. Sure I’d break the nighttime rule but everyone probably broke that anyway. There’s no way anyone would come out here though. No one would be using the gym while trapped in this nightmare of a school. What would they even be training for anyways? I guess training to kill but wouldn’t that be kinda obvi-.

The door creaked open and feet thudded into the room. my heart raced. I lifted up my feet and hugged my knees up to my chest twitching with fear

I could see well-worn black boots approach the urinal. The sound of urine hitting water rang loud in my ears as I tried to be quiet. If he notices me he’ll know, if he knows he’ll hate me, if he hates me then he’ll kill me. I tried to silence my breathing but in making my breathing more shallow I began to hyperventilate. Holding my breath instead wasn’t much of a solution but I did it anyway. He zipped up and moved to the sinks. I stared, intent on the sight, through the crack in the stall. It was Mondo, whatever he was doing here I had no idea. The sound of water spraying out of the faucet reached my ears and, after a moment, his shoes made their way to the door. I let out my breath. With an audible sigh of relief and I put my feet back down on the floor with a click of my shoes. I was about to exit the stall but something was off.

Ohno. 

I checked one more time more out of habit than anything. I expected him to be gone by now. 

My eyes widened in horror as I saw his shoes still in the bathroom pointed at the doorway.

nonono.

“Chihiro?” His dark voice made the question more of a statement.

My heart stopped. My face paled. My life flashed before my eyes. It was a good run, we had a good run. Guess I’d never get to finish alter ego

I choked on air, coughed, and regaining a little control, forced myself to breathe in. Then out. 

He was waiting for me when I stepped out. His work boots were the same as I’d always sen but he was dressed in some type of workout getup. Same white shirt but bright blue athletic shorts. Mondo leaned against the wall and placed one foot against it, Completely cool and relaxed. I thought he looked like a greaser from a movie but his outfit no longer matched. 

I washed my hands without looking over at him more than that once. Maybe I could just ignore it, we’d both agree to forget and move on silently. I’d step past him and say nothing and we’d never have to talk again.

“What are you doing in here?” He accused. Well, maybe it was more quizzical? 

“Well, ya see I’m not allowed to- I mean cause- I just can’t…” I stuttered. He cocked his head. But I couldn't explain myself further. He was silent. Either it took him a minute to think or he just wanted to torture me.

“You’re a boy” Mondo realized. He should’ve sounded angrier right? He was, I assured myself, it was to lure me into false security.

“N-uhm... Yea” I admitted. It was true, I knew it was, but it definitely hurt to say. Somehow it hurt even more to admit it to him. I guess I should be happy I got to be a girl this long. I got to wear girls clothes though it was only one outfit. I got to meet Hina and Sakura who were so friendly and I felt a sort of feminine camaraderie. Well, that's all over, then.

“Well sorry for getting in your way, man. By all means, the place is yours” he spoke with his back to me as he walked out, hands in his pockets and painfully nonchalant.

He really had just left? He’s not waiting around the corner to strike?  
It was my turn to be confused. Was he mad? Was it polite nonchalance?

I stood in the same place the whole time, reeling. I finished washing up, I even splashed my face, knowing it would ruin my makeup. The halls were silent as I walked back to my room. I guess it worked out?


	4. Chapter 4

Breakfast the next left me and mondo alone together again. Me because I came in late and ate slowly, him because of how much he ate. I wasn’t sure if I should be worried that he knew my secret or relaxed that he didn’t seem to care. I made small talk despite myself

“honestly Monokuma kinda looks like a toy they used to have at my primary school. It was some bear, two colors just like him, at the time it seemed larger but I guess I must have been about the same size.” I rambled

“Yeah, I totally get you mine had the same.”

“Heh, must’ve been some weird coincidence..?” I trailed off when I realized mondo was squinting at me. “Wait what was your surname?” he asked, “Don’t think I ever got it.” 

Fujisaki” I answered and cocked my head “why?”  
“No. Way.” He looked off into the distance smiling slightly.  
“What what” I begged impatiently. What was so special about my last name? My family wasn’t even particularly wealthy or well known.

“I’m Mondo Oowada.” He said “Oowada” slowly and deliberately trying to hint as well as he could. Well, the hint worked, my jaw dropped practically to the floor

“No.” I gawked. The Oowada that I knew was a gleeful little boy who came off as sensitive more often than mean, though he was a little of both. He wore his black-haired bowl cut proudly. I couldn’t even recognize the new mondo. His pointy pompadour was a stark contrast but both people took their hair very seriously. Now that I think about it, they both have the same bushy eyebrows and cocky smile. 

“Yeah I know right,” he said still a little spaced out. He was looking dead ahead right at the blank wall, presumably reminiscing. I looked him up and down trying to comprehend how this was the same person. We used to play all sorts of games together. Cards, tag, and all manner of pretend.

”Shizuoka Elementary?” I was still astounded but it began to sink in. If he didn’t recognize me that means  
“Yup, I never liked miss Kageyama” he looked my way. He looked me up and down for a moment, his stare was intimate. It felt like an invasion of my personal space.

“Me neither...” I confirmed. This was probably true but I didn’t honestly check my memory to see if it was. I was too interested in Mondo’s opinion.

“I might say you’ve changed a lot but you really haven't, same nervous mess!” he joked. It hurt to hear what he thought of me but it was about accurate. He smirked at me finally making eye contact. I could never tell if he was messing with me or not. 

“Oh! I guess” I gave him an uncomfortable smile. Which caused him to let out a uneasy laugh. It was low and throaty. Strange, almost super villain sounding too. But endearing nonetheless. So I embarrassed myself by laughing at that. “Pssh you sound like-*snort*” his shout cut me off. “You still have that snort!” He laughed at me and I laughed at him. Soon we were both wheezing with awkward forced-sounding guffaws. Laughing that we hadn’t known, laughing at how strange it was meeting again when we both had changed so much yet so little. Laughing at the horrible situation we were in. 

“Fate sure is cruel” He exhaled. He tucked a hair that fell out back into his pompadour. That tick of his, simple and reflexive, could probably come off as endearing. To other people.

“Pssh yea” I giggled one last time.

We both smiled at each other a moment, holding eye contact long enough that it should've been uncomfortable. But it wasn’t. It was nice. 

“You’re fun” he stated once having broken eye contact. The moment was over but I didn’t so much mind. 

“Thanks” I beamed, then frowned, curious. I noticed his smile had dropped away suddenly. “Mondo?” I reached out to touch him.

He flinched but let me pet his arm comfortingly. “ I shouldn’t get too attached “ he stared into his messy tray. There was still a fair amount of food on his plate but he had made a mash of what remained. I didn’t know him too well but I knew losing his appetite wasn’t exactly usual.

“What? Why not?” I leaned my head down to try to catch his gaze.

“This place isn’t good for making friendships, it's dog eat dog here,” he muttered. He was so out of it he took a bite of the mash. He made a face but swallowed it. I never imagined someone so strong could be so vulnerable.

“It’s ok!” I encouraged “ we’ll all get out of here safe I bet. We can all work together!” his dread was beginning to become contagious and I started to doubt my own words. “Y-you believe that too, right?” 

He turned his head up and looked me dead on, and I could see the fear in his eyes. “I don’t want to watch you die.” A man that strong feeling so helpless shook me. The ideal of the fearless strong man protecting me was a fantasy I had let carry me through some tough times. That image shattered, no one was fearless and everyone struggled. It was the reality of this world. Maybe that’s what Monokuma meant when he mentioned despair.

I swallowed. I was still stunned a moment longer and eventually reflexively replied “we’ll get out of here” I repeated it under my breath to reassure myself.

“Yeah,” he said half honest half sarcastic. He stood up and walked his tray over to the dish machine then out the door. Leaving me alone picking at my cold fried noodles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, I told myself I'd have this done by the end of summer. Sorry if it's not edited perfectly. And thanks for reading so far! more coming soon.


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